Beyond the Flock’s long-awaited breakthrough weight-loss system has finally arrived! This revolutionary patent-pending system is guaranteed to help you lose weight no matter what! The program is so simple, I can explain it here in just two sentences:
1. Eat right
2. Excercise
…And that’s all there is to it! In Norway, this program goes for more than $199.95 a month… but for a limited time only, you can try it absolutely free, with no obligation! Call today!
Categories: Irrelevant rants
Tagged: diet, parody, sarcasm, weight loss
This doesn’t really pertain to much at all. Deal with it.
1. Nationwide public WiFi.
Down with ISPs!!! Please?
2. Eyeglass-mounted projection.
Credit for this idea goes to my high school math teacher, who was a really smart guy. The idea is that an ultra-miniture projector mounted on your glasses projects images directly onto the retina. For instance, suppose you’re driving somewhere, and you need directions. You simply say, “Google maps!” and instantly (utilizing the nationwide WiFi mentioned before) a map of where you’re going is beamed right onto your visual field. Sweet!
3. LCD floors in malls.
You walk into a mall, and every inch of floorspace is a touch-sensitive LCD streen. The floor tracks individual people by their footprints, keeps track of which stores they enter and what they buy, and then displays advertisements that “float around” on the screen in front of the target individual. The screen also provides directions to stores and products it thinks you might like.
4. Wireless, surgery-free brain/computer interfaces.
You sit down at a computer, think a sentence, and it appears on the screen. Signals are encrypted for security. No more typing, clicking, searching…
5. Total-immersion media.
Similar to #4… a computer overrides electrical signals from your eyes and ears, and fills your entire brain with uninterrupted video, sound, a web browser, whatever. No more need for screens or speakers, and sound and video quality can reach levels even better than our eyes and ears are capable of processing.
6. Laptops that fold up to fit in your pocket.
No idea how that would work.
7. CDs, DVDs, Blu-Ray discs, etc all become obselete.
Instead, all media is transmitted via the internet. Storage is accomplished on massive centralized servers.
8. Dirt-cheap flash memory.
As in reeeeeeeallly dirt cheap. So much so that hard drives disappear entirely.
9. Advertisements that come on flash drives.
Consumer recieves free flash drive, flash drive displays advertisement on consumer’s computer. Consumer sits through advertisement, and then as a reward gets a functional data storage device.
10. Free cell service.
Some kind of new technology in which consumers can simply buy a phone… and it works. Text, media, internet, anyplace, always free, all the time. No contracts or phone cards or minutes. Just a pure, secure, open network.
Categories: Irrelevant rants · Uncategorized
Tagged: gadgets, silicon valley, technology
Notes: Isn’t it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world’s going to hell.
For starters, the sentence should end in a question mark…
Seriously, though. What exactly is the argument here? Apparently, it’s something like, the world is going to hell because people ‘trash’ god. No, no, no, NO! Correlation ≠ causation! See: http://www.seanbonner.com/blog/archives/001857.php
Ooh… or maybe it’s more like, people who ‘trash’ god are those responsible for the world ‘going to hell.’ Intresting. Have a look at Sam Harris’ The End of Faith. Or Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_war.
Isn’t it funny how someone can say ‘I believe in God’ but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also ‘believes’ in God).
Stuff like this makes me depressed. How much lower can people sink?
Point #1. No, it isn’t funny.
Point #2. Still haven’t mastered the whole “end-an-interrogative-with-a-question-mark” thing, yet, huh? (See? Question marks!)
Point #3. Insofar as we take “I believe in god” to be equivalent to “I believe god exists,” there is no reason that we can’t thereafter ‘follow satan.’ (gag.) I believe John McCain exists, but that doesn’t mean I follow him.
Point #4. I believe with all my heart in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Your religion is completely wrong and I hereby arbitrarily declare mine to be infallible. I will now go forth into the world to live by eons old doctrines that make no sense and corrupt young children such that my nonsensical dogma will live for centuries to come.
(I grant that point 4 was somewhat unrelated.)
…
Isn’t it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.
The punctuation gods are going to freaking kill you, lady! It’s my responsibility to appease them! Silence, please:
Here, oh holy masters of commas and question marks, is my humble offering; may you bless and protect this poor, misguided soul who has lost her way, and is ignorant of your heavenly symbols.
???????????????????????????????????????????
Amen.
That taken care of, the simple explanation is that people exist, whereas god doesn’t. So needless to say, you’re going to be more concerned with the thoughts of existent entities, rather than nonexistent ones.
This concludes my shredding of this material. Suffice to say that I found it immensely enjoyable, and hopefully others did too.
Categories: Irrelevant rants · Religion
Tagged: chain mail, god, Religion, time for god
Easy vs. Hard
Why is it so hard to tell the truth but Yet so easy to tell a lie?
Why are we so sleepy in church but Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?
Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail, but yet we forward all of the nasty ones?
Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the very best one….
There are no costs, but wonderful rewards… GOD BLESS!
Okay. I have several points to make with the first part of this chunk, regarding varying levels of difficulty in stating truth- or false-hoods. First: What does this have to do with the rest of the email? Second: The difficulty of telling the truth is wholly dependent on the nature of the situation. Admitting involvement in a crime is one thing, admitting that 2+2=4 is another. Third: Contrary to what appears to be the implication of the question (namely, that difficulty of telling the truth is somehow indicative that we should devote time to our imaginary friend, god), there are perfectly reasonable psychological and behavioral explanations for difficulty telling the truth. “I robbed the bank,” a truth, will bring about jail time (positive punishment). “That guy robbed the bank,” a falsehood, will prevent jail time (negative reinforcement). Obviously, then, the inclination of the individual in this or similar situations is to tell the falsehood rather than the truth. But again, this does nothing to advance the arguments presented in the email.
Why are we so sleepy in church but Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?
Again: What does this have to do with anything? The preacher is droning on and on when suddenly he stops talking and some other auditory input commences. You wake up. Wow. Amazing. Moving on…
Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail, but yet we forward all of the nasty ones?
Because ”godly email” is a waste of time. I’m not sure how the writer is defining “nasty ones,” so I can’t really make any counterarguments to that claim.
Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the very best one….
There are no costs, but wonderful rewards… GOD BLESS!
An all-too-common one. “Prayer” isn’t really a gift, because it’s something one does. I would argue that one doesn’t really “receive” prayer, as it’s pretty obvious prayer does nothing at all except function as a psychological band-aid. So, if one counts psychological band-aids as “wonderful,” I guess the statement is accurate. Other psychological band-aids, I might point out, include denial, unhealthy defense mechanisms, and drugs and alcohol.
…And of course the requisite “God bless.” Whatever that means. (Side note: Want to demonstrate the absurdity of any prayer/incantation/religious blathering? Simply replace the word “god” with “flying spaghetti monster.”)
FSM bless!
This is part six in a seven-part series. Read part seven here: http://beyondtheflock.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/making-fun-of-chain-mail-part-seven/
Categories: Irrelevant rants
Tagged: chain mail, Religion, time for god
